Dear Richard Madeley: My youngest daughter, who was born male, is depressed and shutting me out

She’s living in a bedsit and won’t take my calls – somehow I’ve become the villain of the piece. How do I help her?

My husband and I split up acrimoniously when our three children were small. He moved away and has had no contact with any of them since, so far as I know. 
At secondary school, 10 years ago, my younger daughter, who was born male, started to have behavioural difficulties and problems with depression. She subsequently pursued a path to transition and changed her name and pronouns. I have no problem at all with any of this: she is my child and I will always love her.
However her unhappiness has persisted. She is now living in a local authority bedsit, has never worked and spends all her waking hours online. Her personal grooming is negligible. She will have nothing to do with me or her siblings.
If I thought she was receiving good care and mental health support I would be at least partly reassured, though I would still miss her and worry about her. But I know these services have been pared to the bone and I cannot bear this feeling of being unable to help her. I feel a narrative has been allowed to take shape where I am somehow the villain of the piece, which I feel is unfair and unhelpful.
I desperately want to reach out to my daughter, but letters have been returned and telephone calls blocked. Is there anything I can do?
— Anon, Beds
Well, there’s certainly no magic wand I can wave that’s going to help solve this one. Your letter describes what sounds pretty much like an intractable problem; its roots go back years and run very deep indeed.
I think you should try as hard as you can not to feel you’ve been cast as ‘the villain of the piece’. The situation is self-evidently far more complex than that; if you succumb to resentment and anger (although not with your daughter; your love and concern for her is obvious and very touching) it will simply be a distraction and risk clouding your judgment.
If your daughter is determined to cut off all contact with you and her siblings, then I’m afraid there’s not a lot any of you can do about it. If your calls, emails etc are being blocked, then ultimately you are going to simply have to accept it, at least for the time being.
The most you can do is write an old-fashioned letter to your daughter, explaining that you love her and will always be there for her. Of course, there’s no guarantee she won’t return it unopened, but at least you can try.
All I can counsel, as I say, is acceptance. Your daughter is an adult, free to make her own choices about who to allow into her life, and who to shut out. But things may change. You must be patient, Anon – and never lose hope.
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